Reflections.

It's been forever since I last posted...

Oh wait, I'd posted my essay for Anu's contemplation. (@.@)

Decided to start blogging again to throw a few thoughts out after trawling through Tracy's blog. Am still doing it, lol.

Think I'm gonna stop using so many emoticons. I never really liked them much in the first place, but I gradually, and semi-consciously grew to use them more and more. Best bet: I was trying to make myself more friendly and likeable. The lack of emoticons always makes me appear more cynical than I actually am, and too many people were coming up with comments about me being a 'scary debater' after a cursory glance (I'm assuming) at my Facebook wall. (Stacy in particular.) It's gonna inolve a conscious and long-term effort to stop using emoticons, but I'm gonna start doing it. For sure, definitely, chop chop.

Because I want to preserve what's left of my identity.

It's a curious thing, identity. It's something that we are rarely aware of, but something to vital to ourselves. It's neither this nor that, and it's not something we can fully understand. But people have been able to live their lives (technically) without an identity, and without the knowledge of their lack of an identity.

But who am I to judge what constitutes an identity? After all, a common identity is still an identity. But then again, isn't an identity supposed to be unique, to differentiate one from another?

Oh dear, caught in another conundrum. OK, not really, but I'm blathering a lot now, arguing with myself, and I want to carry on; I have a lot to write out today. (type. TYPE.)

(It's 4.08am, and I am probably not going to sleep. On the train later, yes, but not to bed. Sigh. My bed...)

Oh, yes. Identity. After reading a lot of Tracy's blog posts, the thing that really struck me was about her identity. Of course, identity is never fixed. It's open to change. But that doesn't prevent it from emitting an aura of fixedity/fixedness, of certainty and resolve. It's like someone being very sure about a decision at any point in time, only the decision was liable to change. The key to success (Tracy's success) is to learn to stick to one decision, and have a more or less constant identity. To grab hold of parts of yourself by knowing them, and tethering them to yourself so that they don't go away.

But there were parts of her that were always with her, and though her ropes loosened after a while, they held fast while they were still tight. And that's something I find very admirable. Because I don't know myself. The bits I know a) are not enough to contruct the mainframe of an identity b) are not tethered simply because of knowledge, and c) I do not know are fixed bits.

Don't worry if you don't get this. Don't think I would either.

I've been mulling over a phrase in the notebook:
"We can rediscover ourselves together."
I picture it mentally, since I don't have the book in my possession. (though I can't even remember the colour of the pen ink it was written in.)

And a comment made by a Friend:
"I don't actually know you that well. You're a much more reserved person than Tracy is. (My shocked response: how is that possible?) I know what you will do, but I don't know why you do it. I think it's also because you yourself don't know why you do it. You're a much deeper person than you realise."

And a conversation with Tracy:
T: "How is it that I do not get that 'fresh perspective' from you in return?"
D: "I'm not a particularly unique person. (And you're hard to please.) Besides, I'm not someone who has a strong perspective on things."
T: "I like how you have an open attitude. I was the opposite when I was your age."

But I don't like not knowing myself. I want to know who Denise is, what she's like, what she does, why she does...

But I'm so open I don't even have a favourite colour. I seriously don't know what my favourite colour is. It changes a lot. Right now, it's light blue, but before that it was hot pink.

Okay well maybe I'm thinking too much. It's not abnormal for someone to have a variable favourite colour...But that was a bad analogy. I'm not gonna find another one though.

It's been a while since I've thought so deeply. I've been living simply and happily for quite a long time, and this is slightly new to me, yet not unfamiliar. In fact, after my hiatus from deep-thinking I find that I can sort my thoughts out slightly better. I used to go crazy. Like that time when I lost it and screamed into the phone at my Friend. LOL. It was the catalyst for such great change...

But I like this. I like thinking. It makes me feel alive again. I'm no longer worrying about superficial things. But this also means I'll have to learn to cope with so many thoughts.

Okay, strayed from topic again.

The answer I can accept for now is my age. (Okay, it's more of an excuse.) I have to keep telling myself that I'm only sixteen and still impressionable, still susceptible to external influences, and that I'm still shaping my character.

I know I'm supposed to cherish every day of my life, especially since I've made a resolution to, but sometimes it's not that easy, especially since this old mind (so I've been told) does not enjoy a teenager's life well. I can't say life in VJ isn't turning out well - in fact it's better than I thought it would be - but progress is stagnating. I need real friends, friends which are difficult to find for me (arguably I have yet to find one, since Chermaine is contentious). The need has been lessened with my Friend, but nonetheless it is a different Friend I am talking about.

Sigh. I am such a teenager.

Yes, I know. I know I am whining.

Doesn't anybody think that what you hate about others, others might hate in themselves too? That women would hate PMS-ing as much as you do, that teenagers hate their insecurity as much as your are fed up about it, that mothers hate their incessant nagging as much as daughters do?

Thoughts.

Reading Tracy's blog has also been immensely humbling, because I'm beginning to realise the full extent of my inexperience. I had a small taste when she tried to tell me about love, but I dismissed it too quickly. There are so many emotions I have yet to feel, so many events I have yet to experience for myself to even begin to try to justify myself as an important being. I recognise that I have built up a sizable amount of self-worth that is unwarranted, and I confess to condescending thoughts on many occasions that I something express, though I hope I managed to lather these bits of patronisation with nice-sounding words and usually, what-I-think-is-helpful advice.

After re-reading the conversation with Tracy, I must extend a sincere apology for the tone and attitude I took, and my lack of empathy for her situation. Being unable to do so, I belittled her choices in life, and accorded myself a sense of false pride and self-worth.

To be fair to myself (and also because I instinctively conjure excuses for myself up), I sometimes just sound that way even if I am actually not, and I was feeling rather insecure about myself in the presence of Tracy, and felt like I had a need to dominate the conversation in ways that I would otherwise not approve of. So, yeah.

Damn, now I'm flagellating myself. Again.

I have too little confidence, but berate myself for having too much confidence. What an oxymoron I am (pun pun).

I really do think too much, don't I?

Okay and now I ought to go, it's 4.46am and I need to pack my bag for school, even though I have quite a few other topics to cover. (Actually I don't think I can remember them anymore.)

Tata.